I don’t hate you Dad - just don’t want to be you ….

I was playing with the family in the pool this Sunday afternoon - thank God for day light saving time. But while we were having fun playing and laughing, screaming and basically making a fool of myself - there came a moment when I was tired and just wanted to take a breath. Ofcourse kids being kids - they wouldn’t stop. It got to the point where I almost lost my head and just thought of blurting out a yell - “Stop, leave me alone!”.... But it hit me. With no real effort my Dad crossed my mind.

My Dad left when I was five and like in true form He started another family some where else. While I never “Hated” my father - I just couldn’t understand why he wasn’t with us - most of my young life I asked one question - why don’t I have a Dad? I wish I had a Dad - I need my Dad! When the news about my father’s death arrived - my Mother asked me “Are you Sad?” I replied with - I feel nothing. I didn’t hate him but I didn’t love him either - I had no feelings. A void, an emptiness…

Then I thought about the moment, I may be tired, my kids may be pushing me and I need a break - but I’m here. And one day they’ll grow up and be too busy for me or embarrassed to hang out with dear old dad. I want them to remember me. To remember this moment and I don’t want to mess the memory up because I was tired. I can find a nice why to calm them down - a way to preserve the moment. And hopefully when I pass away, my kids will feel more for me than I ever did for my dad.