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I don’t hate you Dad - just don’t want to be you ….

I was playing with the family in the pool this Sunday afternoon - thank God for day light saving time. But while we were having fun playing and laughing, screaming and basically making a fool of myself - there came a moment when I was tired and just wanted to take a breath. Ofcourse kids being kids - they wouldn’t stop. It got to the point where I almost lost my head and just thought of blurting out a yell - “Stop, leave me alone!”.... But it hit me. With no real effort my Dad crossed my mind.

picture of childrenMy Dad left when I was five and like in true form He started another family some where else. While I never “Hated” my father - I just couldn’t understand why he wasn’t with us - most of my young life I asked one question - why don’t I have a Dad? I wish I had a Dad - I need my Dad! When the news about my father’s death arrived - my Mother asked me “Are you Sad?” I replied with - I feel nothing. I didn’t hate him but I didn’t love him either - I had no feelings. A void, an emptiness…

Then I thought about the moment, I may be tired, my kids may be pushing me and I need a break - but I’m here. And one day they’ll grow up and be too busy for me or embarrassed to hang out with dear old dad. I want them to remember me. To remember this moment and I don’t want to mess the memory up because I was tired. I can find a nice why to calm them down - a way to preserve the moment. And hopefully when I pass away, my kids will feel more for me than I ever did for my dad.

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2 comments:

Dedete said...

That was really nice to read. I have kids too and I know how tired we can get as parents and sometimes I just fell like shouting too.

Tricia said...

Great job Will, so many more parents and caregivers need to think this way and stop, think of the damage they may be doing to their kids just by the words they speak. Once it's out there you can't take it back. There are aternatives to acting in the moment. Gold star for you! LOL

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